Welcome to the pinnacle of modern absurdity. We live in a world where you can pay thirty-four pounds for a thirty-millilitre bottle of brown liquid that is designed to make you look like you’ve spent a week in the Maldives, when in reality, you’ve spent the last six days in a windowless basement playing Frosthaven.

The Drunk Elephant D-Bronzi "Sunshine Drops" are the ultimate status symbol for the aesthetically obsessed. It features a neon orange cap that screams "I have more money than sense," and a thick, metallic brown goop inside that looks suspiciously like what happens when a toddler experiments with watercolours and chocolate pudding.

The marketing department would have you believe this is "anti-pollution" and filled with "cocoa peptides." I'm sure it is. But let’s be honest: you’re not buying it for the peptides. You’re buying it because a teenager on TikTok told you it was "essential" for your morning "skincare smoothie."

If you apply this directly to your face without mixing it into a moisturiser, you will look like you’ve had a traumatic encounter with a jar of Nutella. It is intensely pigmented, incredibly thick, and possesses the blending capability of a standard house brick. However, once you find the magical ratio—exactly one drop per pump of cream—it does, grudgingly, provide a rather pleasant glow. It turns your pasty, screen-fatigued complexion into something that vaguely resembles a healthy human being.

Suitability

For a family session: Absolutely not. If your children get hold of this, your cream carpets are a write-off, and your toddler will look like they’ve been working in a coal mine. It is far too expensive to be left within reach of anyone who doesn't understand the concept of "cost-per-millilitre."

For a session with hard-core beauty friends: This is your entry ticket. If you don't have a bottle of D-Bronzi on your vanity, do you even really care about your pores? Just be prepared to spend forty minutes debating whether the new packaging is as "authentic" as the original.

The Verdict

| Pros | Cons | | :--- | :--- | | Instantly masks the fact that you haven't seen the sun since 2019. | Costs more than a decent expansion pack for a board game. | | The "anti-pollution" claim makes you feel morally superior to people who just use regular bronzer. | Dries down faster than your interest in a game of Monopoly. | | The packaging is genuinely sturdy enough to survive being thrown into a gym bag in a fit of pique. | Will ruin any white towel it comes into contact with for the rest of eternity. |

Final Verdict: Convince a friend to buy it. You only need one drop a day, so just wait until they aren't looking and "borrow" a squeeze. There’s enough in one bottle to last three lifetimes, but there’s no reason YOU should be the one to pay the Drunk Elephant tax.